I have been divorced for two years now. Ex had an affair. I have started dating someone for the first time since my divorce. I needed some time to be alone. But I now realize that I do not know how to be in a new relationship anymore! I am 40 - he is 42. Things are going very well but I don't even know when it is okay to call him or email him. How often?
I sound like a 16 year old girl!! Which is kind of fun after the two years I went through. So...any advice on how to make this relationship work and not mess it up??
Need after divorce dating advice?
Glad to hear you took some time away from the dating scene to sort things out and have some alone time. Too many people rush right into a new relationship before the ink on the divorce decree has had time to dry.
If things are going very well then you are obviously doing things right.
It isn't so much a matter of when it is okay to call him or how often. What's more important is what men appreciate in women. Most men appreciate women who are independent but not too independent. Men appreciate women who are confident and secure. A man doesn't appreciate clingy types. Those kind of women appear desperate and tend to be pushy. This usually happens when the woman is worried that she is going to mess things up.
There is an old adage, ';A guy chases a girl until she catches him.'; Guys will never change in that way. They need the challenge of the chase. It is just in their makeup. That is how they get their validation. The challenge for you is to keep him interested. Playing hard to get is all part of the courtship. And most women have that wonderful 6th sense of knowing how to avoid playing too hard to get.
What is more important right now isn't frequency but quality of contact. If the 2 of you have made arrangements to get together on the weekend sometime for an outing and it is only Monday, it would not be wise to be contacting him everyday during the week. You might want to but it would be a mistake. Guys have always needed to feel that they are flying the plane even though there is a flight engineer (you) laying out the course.
Good luck. Keep yourself busy with your job, your friends and your other interests. Avoid making your special friend the center of your life (for the time being) and you will not have to worry about messing things up.
Need after divorce dating advice?
Refrain from sex, because then your emotions will play games with you.
Take it slow, and develop a true honest friendship with a solid foundation.
FRIENDS,,,,
Otherwise you will be using him as a rebound guy/ or he will be using you coz you are needy, and this is the 1st guy out of your divorce.
Becareful and take it slow, and refrain from sex
Take it day by day...kudos to you for giving yourself time 1st before you dated...second marraiges today fail more then 1st marraiges because usually ppl who get divorced look right away for something thye think they are missing wiht someone else but they are not totally healed yet from their previous marraige so it ends up failing.
It sounds like you ar ready though...take it slow...dont rush...respect yourself and your body....dont flaunt anything...men will respect a modest woman way more then a flirty flaunty woman. You wil be fine
I agree with abc's answer. Just let things happen. Don't over think things like females typically do! Be yourself. If he doesn't like it screw him!! ;)
Just relax - if you like each other then things will move along at their own pace. Have fun and enjoy yourself.
relax, don't play games....go with the flow, don't force anything.......
I think the rules are a bit more relaxed for us old folks.
Friday, January 8, 2010
After the divorce? Christian advice...?
What do I do? I am currently going through a divorce and finding it difficult to move on and ahead with my life. My husband and I were only married a little over a year and I never wanted the divorce. It is hard trying to make a new life without him and it's so weird. Did anyone ever feel like this? I am going to start christian counseling soon but any christian advice or thoughts would help. I am just having mixed feelings about the divorce. Also, I feel I never got any closure..he hasn't spoken with me since june 2008 and he actually had his parents tell me he didn't want to be with me. I am 20 , he is 22. Any christian advice or thoughts on what to do? I've been growing closer to God and my relationship with Him is strong, but I still find it difficult to accept this divorce.
Note: Anyone who leaves crude or offensive comments will be deleted! Please help...After the divorce? Christian advice...?
You are already well on your way to healing by drawing near to The Father. We all know that divorce was never God's Plan for His children, but as humans we make choices for our lives.
Time and space will heal your wounds. Just take one day at a time and try to see through the Eyes of your Spirit. Meditate upon the things that you do have: Eyes to see, hands to feel, a heart to love, and a Life to live.
Your story is being written day by day. You'll be OK.. and who knows what tomorrow holds? Live today. Praying for you....After the divorce? Christian advice...?
Have faith. God will answer this question for you. Pray about it. Only He truly knows your individual situation. Knock on His door, He will answer you. This might sound vague- but if you give things some time- God will make his plan apparent to you. God can move mountains, He loves you so much, He has wonderful things planned for you, let him take the reigns.
In my opinion, not really Christian but have gone to church numerous times, he was just not the right person for you.
He wasn't just the right man and there is another one who will dramatically change your life. Who is right for you and will be your life partner.
I hope this helps.
u are so young, i am sorry! Well, I would just try and focus on you right now. Keep yourself busy and that will help you take your mind off of the divorce. I wouldn't date for aleast a year. Make yourself some goals and work towards them. Keep praying daily and you should be fine... Have any close friends? I would cling onto them. Good Luck
Why do I have to be Christian to give you an opinion or answer? I wonder if you will delete this just because I asked.
Right then my advice is What Would Jesus Do?
you are setting yourself up for negative comments by saying you want Christian advice cause you are cutting out people that can help you. I don't have Christian advice but suggest you look up Elizebeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief. This will explain than it is normal to feel the way you do. A person would go through shock, anger, etc. Well, I am not going to offer anything else b/c I feel like you are going to reject it cause it isn't Christian advice %26amp; that really is going to limit your ability to have good in your life.EDIT: oh, I see you changed what you wrote or edited. I will only ad this to you. If you belief that the ONLY way is that way than that is all you can open to %26amp; you are shutting yourself off dramatically. You are living a very constricted life. It is done unto you as you believe.
I'm not religious but, I will still try to give some hopefully helpful advice.
The break up of any serious relationship is going to be hard. The first thing you need to do is to accept and acknowledge that the relationship is truly over. He wanted the divorce, he didn't want to work things out with you. So there is nothing you can do to change that. He made up his mind and you can't do anything more except to focus on yourself.
You also need to make yourself feel good. Don't worry about jumping on the dating-love bandwagon again just yet. Take time to do something for YOU. Go back to school, get a new career, take up a new hobby, etc. Now is the time to work on raising your self esteem and making yourself feel good.
Don't alienate yourself either. Make new friends, go to church, get involved in community activites, donate your time to charities, and spend time with your family. You need everyone's support now and it will make you feel good to offer your support to other people who may need it more than you.
Take it one day at a time. It won't be easy, especially in the beginning. But as time goes on, you will heal. And when you are stronger and healthier then you can try to find the perfect person to share the rest of your life with. He wasn't the person but, there is someone out there who is. It will just take a lot of time, patience, and love.
Good luck and I wish you all the best!
Having gone through the same - you probably keep wondering ';WHY';?
Why does this happen, we asked Your blessing?
Or, ';Did i do something wrong';?
I think that the best option is to find yourself, and see if you are straight with God. Sometimes a path joins with another person, only to separate again some time later.
Same happened with me, and though i (we) prayed for a solution - there wasn`t any. But, funny enough, both of us felt Gods blessing in the decision to each go our separate way.
What does kind of anger me, is the fact that your ex-husband seems to be a coward. Using his parents to tell you the bad news? Sorry, but that in itself makes me think he was not the right person for you.
Still, people make mistakes, and people get hurt.
I think that, if you really want ';closure'; you can do two things.
Ask him to have a serious talk with you - but then do it on neutral ground (such as a restaurant, or a church (where you don`t go for sunday worship) would be best).
The other thing is to take some time 'off' - go to some other city, holiday home or hotel - and spend a week of reflection and prayer - and forgive. Not for him, but for yourself.
While i realise from my end, it`s easy to say what you should and should not do - finding peace with God is actually the best course of action - no matter what else you decide.
Should you need to talk more, or just want someone who does understand (in part) what you are going through - feel free to drop me a note through my Y!A profile.
Wishing you blessings and all the best for the coming period.
It`s not going to be easy.
Note: Anyone who leaves crude or offensive comments will be deleted! Please help...After the divorce? Christian advice...?
You are already well on your way to healing by drawing near to The Father. We all know that divorce was never God's Plan for His children, but as humans we make choices for our lives.
Time and space will heal your wounds. Just take one day at a time and try to see through the Eyes of your Spirit. Meditate upon the things that you do have: Eyes to see, hands to feel, a heart to love, and a Life to live.
Your story is being written day by day. You'll be OK.. and who knows what tomorrow holds? Live today. Praying for you....After the divorce? Christian advice...?
Have faith. God will answer this question for you. Pray about it. Only He truly knows your individual situation. Knock on His door, He will answer you. This might sound vague- but if you give things some time- God will make his plan apparent to you. God can move mountains, He loves you so much, He has wonderful things planned for you, let him take the reigns.
In my opinion, not really Christian but have gone to church numerous times, he was just not the right person for you.
He wasn't just the right man and there is another one who will dramatically change your life. Who is right for you and will be your life partner.
I hope this helps.
u are so young, i am sorry! Well, I would just try and focus on you right now. Keep yourself busy and that will help you take your mind off of the divorce. I wouldn't date for aleast a year. Make yourself some goals and work towards them. Keep praying daily and you should be fine... Have any close friends? I would cling onto them. Good Luck
Why do I have to be Christian to give you an opinion or answer? I wonder if you will delete this just because I asked.
Right then my advice is What Would Jesus Do?
you are setting yourself up for negative comments by saying you want Christian advice cause you are cutting out people that can help you. I don't have Christian advice but suggest you look up Elizebeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief. This will explain than it is normal to feel the way you do. A person would go through shock, anger, etc. Well, I am not going to offer anything else b/c I feel like you are going to reject it cause it isn't Christian advice %26amp; that really is going to limit your ability to have good in your life.EDIT: oh, I see you changed what you wrote or edited. I will only ad this to you. If you belief that the ONLY way is that way than that is all you can open to %26amp; you are shutting yourself off dramatically. You are living a very constricted life. It is done unto you as you believe.
I'm not religious but, I will still try to give some hopefully helpful advice.
The break up of any serious relationship is going to be hard. The first thing you need to do is to accept and acknowledge that the relationship is truly over. He wanted the divorce, he didn't want to work things out with you. So there is nothing you can do to change that. He made up his mind and you can't do anything more except to focus on yourself.
You also need to make yourself feel good. Don't worry about jumping on the dating-love bandwagon again just yet. Take time to do something for YOU. Go back to school, get a new career, take up a new hobby, etc. Now is the time to work on raising your self esteem and making yourself feel good.
Don't alienate yourself either. Make new friends, go to church, get involved in community activites, donate your time to charities, and spend time with your family. You need everyone's support now and it will make you feel good to offer your support to other people who may need it more than you.
Take it one day at a time. It won't be easy, especially in the beginning. But as time goes on, you will heal. And when you are stronger and healthier then you can try to find the perfect person to share the rest of your life with. He wasn't the person but, there is someone out there who is. It will just take a lot of time, patience, and love.
Good luck and I wish you all the best!
Having gone through the same - you probably keep wondering ';WHY';?
Why does this happen, we asked Your blessing?
Or, ';Did i do something wrong';?
I think that the best option is to find yourself, and see if you are straight with God. Sometimes a path joins with another person, only to separate again some time later.
Same happened with me, and though i (we) prayed for a solution - there wasn`t any. But, funny enough, both of us felt Gods blessing in the decision to each go our separate way.
What does kind of anger me, is the fact that your ex-husband seems to be a coward. Using his parents to tell you the bad news? Sorry, but that in itself makes me think he was not the right person for you.
Still, people make mistakes, and people get hurt.
I think that, if you really want ';closure'; you can do two things.
Ask him to have a serious talk with you - but then do it on neutral ground (such as a restaurant, or a church (where you don`t go for sunday worship) would be best).
The other thing is to take some time 'off' - go to some other city, holiday home or hotel - and spend a week of reflection and prayer - and forgive. Not for him, but for yourself.
While i realise from my end, it`s easy to say what you should and should not do - finding peace with God is actually the best course of action - no matter what else you decide.
Should you need to talk more, or just want someone who does understand (in part) what you are going through - feel free to drop me a note through my Y!A profile.
Wishing you blessings and all the best for the coming period.
It`s not going to be easy.
Please advice for divorce in va?
we have been seperated in april 08 %26amp; divided everything. on our seperation papers the date is june, she have filed for the divorce also %26amp; I have signed the waiver too now she is trying to postpone the divorce, we do not have any children. Please advice what I should now as i want to get it over with %26amp; concentrate on other things. Thanks guys !!!Please advice for divorce in va?
I wish you had taken more time to type clearly what you're saying, but what I gather from that piece of rambling is that you signed the waiver to not appear in court for the entry of the final decree and that you don't have a hearing date.
Because you are pro se (or without atty) you can contact her attorney and see what the hold up is. While her atty's not obligated to act on your whim, it could light a fire under her to move forward. If she's not represented (and if you wanted to), go down to the court house and ask them if the file is complete (there are a slew of short forms that are necessary before you can get a court date). If the file is complete then ask them for the form to request a court date and they should send you a notice in a few days. The waiver may hold you up, but you can rescind it, which would mean that you'll have to appear in court for the final entry.
I wish you had taken more time to type clearly what you're saying, but what I gather from that piece of rambling is that you signed the waiver to not appear in court for the entry of the final decree and that you don't have a hearing date.
Because you are pro se (or without atty) you can contact her attorney and see what the hold up is. While her atty's not obligated to act on your whim, it could light a fire under her to move forward. If she's not represented (and if you wanted to), go down to the court house and ask them if the file is complete (there are a slew of short forms that are necessary before you can get a court date). If the file is complete then ask them for the form to request a court date and they should send you a notice in a few days. The waiver may hold you up, but you can rescind it, which would mean that you'll have to appear in court for the final entry.
Should I divorce?please advice me...?
I married with my husband last year,and Im pregnant now..
but my husband does not have work and who always playing on-line games,chatting with his friends,and does not try to find jobs.
Im working hard everyday,and making money for life and baby.
He never violence on me. but, he always blames me when quarreled.
I pay both the hospital cost and the cost of living entirely.
If I divorced, my baby and me can get the money(treated) from the country.
he is young american guy.
and im asian.we cant understand each other well.
I don't know about american guy's mind and Common sense.
he always say that He loves me so much.
but he never show me that serious manner. The figure which thinks about the future properly.
I can't understand what oneself did recently.
please advice me someone.
Should I be divorced?Should I divorce?please advice me...?
I would leave him and see if he will get a job. So far your supporting him he needs you. Show him you dont need him. He needs to support the baby and get offline and workShould I divorce?please advice me...?
Stay with him, separate from him or divorce him the choice is yours. You can work and raise your baby either here or back home. But you should not rely on him or government money to support your decision to have a baby and keep it. He is proving to you that he is irresponsible, that will likely not change because of a baby. If you want to stay with him because you love him and want to work it out talk with a minister or marriage counselor.
You can't right now. You're pregnant, and it would be too much hassle at this particular point. You definitely wouldn't want anything to go wrong with your baby during a difficult time, which would autmatically equal stress on your body.
When you're stable, mentally and physically, then you should be able to do it. But right now, just pay the loser no mind, but let him know how stupid he is. He really is a loser. You can do a lot better without someone as childish and a leech as him.
first thing u have to do is sit him down and place the cards on the table.. he isnt a child and he needs to get a job and support u and the baby... meaning help with all expenses.. if he is too lazy to do that then he needs to get out..give him an ultimatum.. as u said yourself u pay for everything so u dont need him.. if u have to divorce him then do soo... u need a husband and loving father for your child good luck
if You go to church go and get some help with dealing with your marriage.
divorce is not the answer to all of your problems, it is only the start if he wants visitation, and then gets married again and then one of you want to move and so on and so on.
counseling could be the answer you need to look for.
good luck
He must have been this way when you got married too. You accepted it then, but no longer. I think you need to examine the reasons you married him. However, regardless of how he has been for a year or more, he should be willing to do for you if it makes you happy and it's necessary.
Have a heart to heart talk and tell him he has to pitch in.
Personal opinion - get a divorce.
Actually, some asian behaves like this too. Some malaysian man I know is like that, lay-back, no responsibility, and the wife earns money to support family and children.
Not all American men are like that. He's being very immature. Unless you want your child raised around him as an example, divorce him.
tell him if he looks for work. its ok. but if he dont your off .
When you say you can get the money from the county...... What does that mean exactly? If you mean going on welfare, that is what is wrong with this economy now...people all want a free ride and other people end up paying for the others mistakes. I really dont think this is the case here, for the fact that i have worked in a Korean spa for the past 12 years and Asian people are anything but lazy. But on the other hand if you mean getting the department of child support to help you get child support from your husband, yes you can do that but the courts have to first give you custody of the baby and order the child support. That doesnt grantee you will get the child support though Hun, he has to have a job first.
You sound way to sweet for all this. I say get out of this dead end relationship now. And if he blames you for everything, he is abusing you mentally. And that kind of abuse is far worse than getting smacked around a little. The bruises heal but it is much harder to fix the brain. And if he is treating you like this how is he going to treat your child?? That is a scary thought.
Your best bet is going to talk to an attorney find out from a professional what all of your safest options are and the ones available to you where you live and go from there. Just know that in most cases the person who files for the divorce is usually the one who gets what they want outa the divorce. So dont mention it to him that your going to talk to an attorney.red lipstick
but my husband does not have work and who always playing on-line games,chatting with his friends,and does not try to find jobs.
Im working hard everyday,and making money for life and baby.
He never violence on me. but, he always blames me when quarreled.
I pay both the hospital cost and the cost of living entirely.
If I divorced, my baby and me can get the money(treated) from the country.
he is young american guy.
and im asian.we cant understand each other well.
I don't know about american guy's mind and Common sense.
he always say that He loves me so much.
but he never show me that serious manner. The figure which thinks about the future properly.
I can't understand what oneself did recently.
please advice me someone.
Should I be divorced?Should I divorce?please advice me...?
I would leave him and see if he will get a job. So far your supporting him he needs you. Show him you dont need him. He needs to support the baby and get offline and workShould I divorce?please advice me...?
Stay with him, separate from him or divorce him the choice is yours. You can work and raise your baby either here or back home. But you should not rely on him or government money to support your decision to have a baby and keep it. He is proving to you that he is irresponsible, that will likely not change because of a baby. If you want to stay with him because you love him and want to work it out talk with a minister or marriage counselor.
You can't right now. You're pregnant, and it would be too much hassle at this particular point. You definitely wouldn't want anything to go wrong with your baby during a difficult time, which would autmatically equal stress on your body.
When you're stable, mentally and physically, then you should be able to do it. But right now, just pay the loser no mind, but let him know how stupid he is. He really is a loser. You can do a lot better without someone as childish and a leech as him.
first thing u have to do is sit him down and place the cards on the table.. he isnt a child and he needs to get a job and support u and the baby... meaning help with all expenses.. if he is too lazy to do that then he needs to get out..give him an ultimatum.. as u said yourself u pay for everything so u dont need him.. if u have to divorce him then do soo... u need a husband and loving father for your child good luck
if You go to church go and get some help with dealing with your marriage.
divorce is not the answer to all of your problems, it is only the start if he wants visitation, and then gets married again and then one of you want to move and so on and so on.
counseling could be the answer you need to look for.
good luck
He must have been this way when you got married too. You accepted it then, but no longer. I think you need to examine the reasons you married him. However, regardless of how he has been for a year or more, he should be willing to do for you if it makes you happy and it's necessary.
Have a heart to heart talk and tell him he has to pitch in.
Personal opinion - get a divorce.
Actually, some asian behaves like this too. Some malaysian man I know is like that, lay-back, no responsibility, and the wife earns money to support family and children.
Not all American men are like that. He's being very immature. Unless you want your child raised around him as an example, divorce him.
tell him if he looks for work. its ok. but if he dont your off .
When you say you can get the money from the county...... What does that mean exactly? If you mean going on welfare, that is what is wrong with this economy now...people all want a free ride and other people end up paying for the others mistakes. I really dont think this is the case here, for the fact that i have worked in a Korean spa for the past 12 years and Asian people are anything but lazy. But on the other hand if you mean getting the department of child support to help you get child support from your husband, yes you can do that but the courts have to first give you custody of the baby and order the child support. That doesnt grantee you will get the child support though Hun, he has to have a job first.
You sound way to sweet for all this. I say get out of this dead end relationship now. And if he blames you for everything, he is abusing you mentally. And that kind of abuse is far worse than getting smacked around a little. The bruises heal but it is much harder to fix the brain. And if he is treating you like this how is he going to treat your child?? That is a scary thought.
Your best bet is going to talk to an attorney find out from a professional what all of your safest options are and the ones available to you where you live and go from there. Just know that in most cases the person who files for the divorce is usually the one who gets what they want outa the divorce. So dont mention it to him that your going to talk to an attorney.
Talking about divorce...need advice?
i have decided to tell my husband i am divorcing him tonight i am not happy %26amp; i'm tired of trying to pretend like i'm happy when i'm not i've been doing that for about 4 yrs now i do not want to hurt him i love him %26amp; i always will just not in love w/ him there r kids involved so i want it 2 be as civil as it can when its concerning them.. my husband likes to pretend everything is ok just so he doesnt have to deal w/ anything when it concerns us he's been know to throw a tempure tanturm when he doesnt get his way or things dont go toward his liking.. its so hard to even think about telling him much less do it i cant go on another day like this im so scared as to whats going to happen when i tell him because he's so unpredictable
its been 12 yrs now %26amp; i just dont see myself next to him 30 yrs from now in that rocking chair anymore .... so please any advice would helpTalking about divorce...need advice?
You talk alot about how you've tried to make it work, has he tried too? Is he aware that you feel this strong about ending your marriage or is he aware that things have gotten so bad? You should make him aware and give him one last chance to work with you, via marriage counselling or whatever means to make the marriage work, if not then be clear and confident in what you say and get the ball rolling asap and keep things clear cut. Good luckTalking about divorce...need advice?
Why are you jumping on the divorce train? You should be discussing your thoughts and feelings. You say that you still love him, if that were true you wouldn't want a divorce you would do whatever it takes to make it work the way its supposed to.
Start by dating again, go out to dinners a walk on the beach. Do things together, but don't just walk away from a 12 year marriage because your not happy. Make yourself happy again, make your husband happy again. Divorce will not make you happy!!
Divorce seems pretty drastic considering you are just not happy and are tired. You make it sound like this will be a huge surprise to him. That probably means you have not talked to him at all about how you feel. Why don't you start there instead of jumping into a divorce, that with kids, will be definitely messy.
If this is what you want, then do it. But first find a place for you and your children before you telling him, you have waiting 4 years now I'm sure you can wait a couple of month until you find a nice safe place for you guys. DON'T MOVE IN WITH FAMILY UNLESS YOU CAN'T TAKE STAYING WITH HIM ANYMORE.... Life is to short to be unhappy live your life enjoy it.. Remember we only live once.......
STOP right there! Contact a clergyman and have him interveen on your familys behave. The minister may be able to talk with your husband %26amp; you. While I see your husband needing individual therapy, I think you both need marriage counseling. Good luck.
You already hae made your decison and that's the first step, now it is time to walk threw that door. Don't be talked out of it. if you do u will be on here again asking how u were talked into staying.
Stick to ur guns.
Just talk about it like you did here. Remain calm and reasonable and be prepared for an outburst. It sounds like you know what you want so go to it!
Talking, sounds like you made your mind up.
Your real name wouldnt happen to be ***** would it? Man if it is this is so wrong to find out this way? C'mon babe we can make it work! I'm sorry for what ever I did! please dont go!
Wow I really wonder........
Sometimes things just get off track. If you love him get it back on
I got divorced from a guy who was the same way. Didn't want to address any issues we were having, looked the other way hoping it would just go away, etc. Luckily we didn't have children.
Here is the advice I have, after getting a divorce and seeing what it did to both of our families and him, and now being remarried with a 2year old:
Because you have children with this man, I would try every possible option available to you to try to make it work.
I would take it DAY BY DAY, quit looking toward the future. Focus on the issues in the now, don't do the ';I can't imagine being married to him in the future'; it doesn't help matters. This sounds like a total lack of communication - been there, done that and it is not easy to get past, but you can do it.
I would sit him down and tell him that either you two start marriage counseling to learn how to talk to each other so you can address issues, or that you will start divorce proceedings. Tell him you want to be with him and you love him and your children but that you are feeling stiffled beause nothing gets solved, just swept under the rug and too much animosity has built up. You can't live this way anymore and you want to get help, but if he doesn't do it then you know that you weren't meant to last and you should go your separate ways.
You don't want to sound confrontational. No matter what he does, keep calm and tell him over and over that you want to try to make it work, but you need him to want to try too. He sounds like he is so unpredictable because there is no communication between you two and he doesn't know how to deal when you come to him with a problem, he feels threatened even though you may not mean him to feel that way.
Barring that, if he refuses, then divorce is @ss and move on.
My only caution would be to have a plan of action. You can't just say ';I'm leaving you, pass the potatoes';,. I mean, are you planning to leave the house or do you want him to leave? There are children, who gets them?
All I'm saying is, think this through and plan it out. Things will go better (especially if you don't expect to live in the same house for awhile).
Good luck.
Well first off I have to say that divorce is the final and last straw in a relationship...Have you considered counseling or talking to your minister? I think people today really divorce to quickly and think that that is the answer to marital problems. You loved him enough to say I do can't you love him enough to see if there is a chance for a resolution. I wonder if it not just about being unhappy or out of love as it may be the fact that you have your eye on someone else and making your marriage look bad or seem hopeless can be an excuse to feel less guilty about the feelings you are having for this other person.. If this the case I hope you consider the children and the fact that you have been in a relationship with this man for several years...taking that into consideration he deserves your respect and honesty. I hope you seek counseling before making such a hasty decision. Maybe in counseling the areas in your marriage that are lacking that you miss or long for may be made obvious to him and it may rekindle the flame and make you see that you just needed him to understand you and your needs. Good luck and think this through thoroughly before doing anything drastic
If you have tried to work out the problems and he just doesn't want to improve, you deserve to have a happier life for yourself. Marriage takes two and when an abuser or depressed person is not willing to work, he doesn't deserve to make his family miserable just because he refuses to help himself.
I was once married to a man with anger and control issues similar to the ones you describe. He got much worse when I tried to leave which I found out was very typical of abusive men.
It might be useful to contact your local Women's Shelter because they have people trained to deal with these types of scenarios. They have counselors who will help you work through problems and you do not have to leave your guy once you know new perspectives on fixing problems.
Also, the Womens Shelter can help you and your children with all sorts of resources if you need to leave, even if only for a little while.
People may try to tell you to stay and put up with it, no one knows what abuse is like until they have experienced it.
Good luck and take care of yourself because your little kids depend on your well-being!!
Very hard but sorry no simple way to deal with it. I would suggest you need to sit down and talk through all the problems you have and then lead this into I don't think our marriage is going to last as I cant carry on like this. Try to keep the talking civil as well, it is to easy to start an argument, try not to let it get that way. When you start this talk make it clear that this is a try and sort it out as a last chance for both of you. If things are that bad, you will ot be able to resolve the issues but at least it does not come over as I want a divorce. Also use what you said above that you do love him but not in love with him and ask how he feels ask if he thinks he is still in love with you and if so why does he not talk more about the problems you have.
I would rather say I hope you resolve things and stay together but reading your questions I think you have made up your mind but please do keep an open mind and stay calm, do not say anything you may regret later.
The only advice I can give you is to really think about this, divorce, like marriage, is a big step, and it is something you really have to want to do, with your whole heart and mind, just like when you got married, you felt like it was right then, you have to feel what you want to do now is right also.
There are children involved this time, they will be affected, it is not like it is just you and your husband, have you thought how and what you are going to do to help your children through this??
You and your husband have to talk about how you are going to help the children deal with this, they are going to have so many issues and think that it is their fault and that they did something wrong to make you guys get a divorce, and it is your job as parents to reassure the children that it is not that way at all, it is just that mommie does not love daddy anymore.
How and when you tell your husband is up to you, but you are not going to get an easy reaction out of him, expect the worst reaction, that is what you are going to get, and if things get out of hand, make sure you have a place to stay.
It is really hard when the other spouse has no idea what he or she is in for when they come home from work.
I hope you thought this through and are confident in how and what you are going to tell the children and your husband, because from what I see here, is that your children have no idea at all what is going to go down tonight, and they are going to hit the wall!!!!!!
Well dear I don't have experience in a divorce, but my sister is actually going through one right now ( not her fault) and I see her suffering and my nephews more because of their father who makes things so difficult and has to have everything his way. So It kinda reminds me of my sisters X how he has temper tantrums ect, so all I can tell you is make it peaceful and try to come to some sort of an agreement to be civil with each other for the kids sake because they shouldn't have to suffer for their parents misunderstandings ya know. And it may seem hard to come to some agreements with him if he is that way, but all you can do is try and make the best of things for your kids. And also for you, if you aren't happy and you probally tried about everything with him, then maybe it is best you move on. You will be bonded together forever since you have kids ,so just let him down as gently as you can and let him know you love him and always will but you don't see this working out in the long run since you don't see eye to eye anymore. Let him know you will make things work for him and the kids and want things in peace for them ya know. You never know maybe he will understand. And def take care of yourself since he is so unpredictable, make sure when you tell him when you are by yourselves and the kids are at grandmas or school because you don't want the kids to hear nothing let alone him go crazy or something. ( God forbid) And when you do tell them about your seperation, do it together so they can see you guys are okay with each other and are nice to one another as friends and won't be to hurt or upset ya know. I hope he understands and sees that things aren't working out because maybe he feels the same way ya know and it could workout fine, so I will pray for you that things go well and your children will be okay as well. Take care and God bless!
its been 12 yrs now %26amp; i just dont see myself next to him 30 yrs from now in that rocking chair anymore .... so please any advice would helpTalking about divorce...need advice?
You talk alot about how you've tried to make it work, has he tried too? Is he aware that you feel this strong about ending your marriage or is he aware that things have gotten so bad? You should make him aware and give him one last chance to work with you, via marriage counselling or whatever means to make the marriage work, if not then be clear and confident in what you say and get the ball rolling asap and keep things clear cut. Good luckTalking about divorce...need advice?
Why are you jumping on the divorce train? You should be discussing your thoughts and feelings. You say that you still love him, if that were true you wouldn't want a divorce you would do whatever it takes to make it work the way its supposed to.
Start by dating again, go out to dinners a walk on the beach. Do things together, but don't just walk away from a 12 year marriage because your not happy. Make yourself happy again, make your husband happy again. Divorce will not make you happy!!
Divorce seems pretty drastic considering you are just not happy and are tired. You make it sound like this will be a huge surprise to him. That probably means you have not talked to him at all about how you feel. Why don't you start there instead of jumping into a divorce, that with kids, will be definitely messy.
If this is what you want, then do it. But first find a place for you and your children before you telling him, you have waiting 4 years now I'm sure you can wait a couple of month until you find a nice safe place for you guys. DON'T MOVE IN WITH FAMILY UNLESS YOU CAN'T TAKE STAYING WITH HIM ANYMORE.... Life is to short to be unhappy live your life enjoy it.. Remember we only live once.......
STOP right there! Contact a clergyman and have him interveen on your familys behave. The minister may be able to talk with your husband %26amp; you. While I see your husband needing individual therapy, I think you both need marriage counseling. Good luck.
You already hae made your decison and that's the first step, now it is time to walk threw that door. Don't be talked out of it. if you do u will be on here again asking how u were talked into staying.
Stick to ur guns.
Just talk about it like you did here. Remain calm and reasonable and be prepared for an outburst. It sounds like you know what you want so go to it!
Talking, sounds like you made your mind up.
Your real name wouldnt happen to be ***** would it? Man if it is this is so wrong to find out this way? C'mon babe we can make it work! I'm sorry for what ever I did! please dont go!
Wow I really wonder........
Sometimes things just get off track. If you love him get it back on
I got divorced from a guy who was the same way. Didn't want to address any issues we were having, looked the other way hoping it would just go away, etc. Luckily we didn't have children.
Here is the advice I have, after getting a divorce and seeing what it did to both of our families and him, and now being remarried with a 2year old:
Because you have children with this man, I would try every possible option available to you to try to make it work.
I would take it DAY BY DAY, quit looking toward the future. Focus on the issues in the now, don't do the ';I can't imagine being married to him in the future'; it doesn't help matters. This sounds like a total lack of communication - been there, done that and it is not easy to get past, but you can do it.
I would sit him down and tell him that either you two start marriage counseling to learn how to talk to each other so you can address issues, or that you will start divorce proceedings. Tell him you want to be with him and you love him and your children but that you are feeling stiffled beause nothing gets solved, just swept under the rug and too much animosity has built up. You can't live this way anymore and you want to get help, but if he doesn't do it then you know that you weren't meant to last and you should go your separate ways.
You don't want to sound confrontational. No matter what he does, keep calm and tell him over and over that you want to try to make it work, but you need him to want to try too. He sounds like he is so unpredictable because there is no communication between you two and he doesn't know how to deal when you come to him with a problem, he feels threatened even though you may not mean him to feel that way.
Barring that, if he refuses, then divorce is @ss and move on.
My only caution would be to have a plan of action. You can't just say ';I'm leaving you, pass the potatoes';,. I mean, are you planning to leave the house or do you want him to leave? There are children, who gets them?
All I'm saying is, think this through and plan it out. Things will go better (especially if you don't expect to live in the same house for awhile).
Good luck.
Well first off I have to say that divorce is the final and last straw in a relationship...Have you considered counseling or talking to your minister? I think people today really divorce to quickly and think that that is the answer to marital problems. You loved him enough to say I do can't you love him enough to see if there is a chance for a resolution. I wonder if it not just about being unhappy or out of love as it may be the fact that you have your eye on someone else and making your marriage look bad or seem hopeless can be an excuse to feel less guilty about the feelings you are having for this other person.. If this the case I hope you consider the children and the fact that you have been in a relationship with this man for several years...taking that into consideration he deserves your respect and honesty. I hope you seek counseling before making such a hasty decision. Maybe in counseling the areas in your marriage that are lacking that you miss or long for may be made obvious to him and it may rekindle the flame and make you see that you just needed him to understand you and your needs. Good luck and think this through thoroughly before doing anything drastic
If you have tried to work out the problems and he just doesn't want to improve, you deserve to have a happier life for yourself. Marriage takes two and when an abuser or depressed person is not willing to work, he doesn't deserve to make his family miserable just because he refuses to help himself.
I was once married to a man with anger and control issues similar to the ones you describe. He got much worse when I tried to leave which I found out was very typical of abusive men.
It might be useful to contact your local Women's Shelter because they have people trained to deal with these types of scenarios. They have counselors who will help you work through problems and you do not have to leave your guy once you know new perspectives on fixing problems.
Also, the Womens Shelter can help you and your children with all sorts of resources if you need to leave, even if only for a little while.
People may try to tell you to stay and put up with it, no one knows what abuse is like until they have experienced it.
Good luck and take care of yourself because your little kids depend on your well-being!!
Very hard but sorry no simple way to deal with it. I would suggest you need to sit down and talk through all the problems you have and then lead this into I don't think our marriage is going to last as I cant carry on like this. Try to keep the talking civil as well, it is to easy to start an argument, try not to let it get that way. When you start this talk make it clear that this is a try and sort it out as a last chance for both of you. If things are that bad, you will ot be able to resolve the issues but at least it does not come over as I want a divorce. Also use what you said above that you do love him but not in love with him and ask how he feels ask if he thinks he is still in love with you and if so why does he not talk more about the problems you have.
I would rather say I hope you resolve things and stay together but reading your questions I think you have made up your mind but please do keep an open mind and stay calm, do not say anything you may regret later.
The only advice I can give you is to really think about this, divorce, like marriage, is a big step, and it is something you really have to want to do, with your whole heart and mind, just like when you got married, you felt like it was right then, you have to feel what you want to do now is right also.
There are children involved this time, they will be affected, it is not like it is just you and your husband, have you thought how and what you are going to do to help your children through this??
You and your husband have to talk about how you are going to help the children deal with this, they are going to have so many issues and think that it is their fault and that they did something wrong to make you guys get a divorce, and it is your job as parents to reassure the children that it is not that way at all, it is just that mommie does not love daddy anymore.
How and when you tell your husband is up to you, but you are not going to get an easy reaction out of him, expect the worst reaction, that is what you are going to get, and if things get out of hand, make sure you have a place to stay.
It is really hard when the other spouse has no idea what he or she is in for when they come home from work.
I hope you thought this through and are confident in how and what you are going to tell the children and your husband, because from what I see here, is that your children have no idea at all what is going to go down tonight, and they are going to hit the wall!!!!!!
Well dear I don't have experience in a divorce, but my sister is actually going through one right now ( not her fault) and I see her suffering and my nephews more because of their father who makes things so difficult and has to have everything his way. So It kinda reminds me of my sisters X how he has temper tantrums ect, so all I can tell you is make it peaceful and try to come to some sort of an agreement to be civil with each other for the kids sake because they shouldn't have to suffer for their parents misunderstandings ya know. And it may seem hard to come to some agreements with him if he is that way, but all you can do is try and make the best of things for your kids. And also for you, if you aren't happy and you probally tried about everything with him, then maybe it is best you move on. You will be bonded together forever since you have kids ,so just let him down as gently as you can and let him know you love him and always will but you don't see this working out in the long run since you don't see eye to eye anymore. Let him know you will make things work for him and the kids and want things in peace for them ya know. You never know maybe he will understand. And def take care of yourself since he is so unpredictable, make sure when you tell him when you are by yourselves and the kids are at grandmas or school because you don't want the kids to hear nothing let alone him go crazy or something. ( God forbid) And when you do tell them about your seperation, do it together so they can see you guys are okay with each other and are nice to one another as friends and won't be to hurt or upset ya know. I hope he understands and sees that things aren't working out because maybe he feels the same way ya know and it could workout fine, so I will pray for you that things go well and your children will be okay as well. Take care and God bless!
Getting a divorce need advice?
let me ask something i am going to file on monday so my ex wants to have my son everyother week i told him i dont think thats good! he lives in another town i said how will he get to school his brother or sister n law will drive him. i dont think thats right he should be with his mom what do you think of this. his dad has only given me 60.00 out of the last 3 months. he is brain washing him he told my son i'm going to take your moms truck away he threatened me to take it away and said he would tell them it was stolen so i went to the police he said he can not do that by law he gets a car andyou get one too. any advice? my poor son is all i think of i have done everything for him i'm the one who does his homework we are on a schedule not once has he ever done his homework now he wants to be a dad any suggestions! i cannot wait to file let me tell youGetting a divorce need advice?
let the father see his kid! GEEEEEZ!!!Getting a divorce need advice?
Well the final way out is that u have to hire a clever lawyer and file a case against him proving that he is incapable of bringing up the kid. Only then u can get rid of him full and finally. http://www.reviewlocator.com/reviews/surviving-divorce-divorce-survival-a-review-on-product-prepare-for-divorce/
here is what he will get he will get the child ever other week
end. Saturday and sunday. and he will half to bring him
home. during the summer when school is out he will get them for half the summer all so. he will get them ever other
holiday. and to ne honest child support don't have any thing
to do with visitation. this is what the judge will order.
obta谋n a lawyer - all of th谋s w谋ll be answered 谋n great deta谋l by your legal councel
Before I answer I have to say I have no direct experience in divorce. Keep in mind, its going to be rough for a little bit no matter what. The best thing you can do is to not fight with your soon to be ex. You have a son so you can't avoid him, but when you do speak with him keep it on the subject of your son and only on that topic and be polite. Also keep a record of every confrontation or anything negative he does, as detailed as possible (write down dates times, if its a phone call keep any record you can, if its a note or a message on a phone save it). Talk with a lawer, let them litagate the divorce, and let the court decied who gets what, and custody issues. Other than that keep all contact professional and polite.
i think alot wud have 2 do w/how old ur son is. if hes old enuf 2 understand then talk 2 ur son about it. dont fret the stuff like the truck and stuff cuz there is nuthing he can do about it. file on monday, ur gunna have 2 get a lawyer but let him do all the work and dont worry. theyll figure out child supprot and base it off the day u seperated not the day u filed so ull get back child support. plus theyll do all the figuring n who gets what, just tell ur lawyer what y want and theyll fght it out 4 u. they r not going 2 take ur son away unless ur sum crack addict who doesnt take care of ur kids which ur obviously not so itll b fine. they usually wont set up visitation where he gets him every other week especially while he lives outta town. the whole point is 2 keep the kid n a stable enviroment and shuttlng back n forth that much is not that stable. get a good lawyer and i dont think ull have 2 worry much good luck
let the father see his kid! GEEEEEZ!!!Getting a divorce need advice?
Well the final way out is that u have to hire a clever lawyer and file a case against him proving that he is incapable of bringing up the kid. Only then u can get rid of him full and finally. http://www.reviewlocator.com/reviews/surviving-divorce-divorce-survival-a-review-on-product-prepare-for-divorce/
here is what he will get he will get the child ever other week
end. Saturday and sunday. and he will half to bring him
home. during the summer when school is out he will get them for half the summer all so. he will get them ever other
holiday. and to ne honest child support don't have any thing
to do with visitation. this is what the judge will order.
obta谋n a lawyer - all of th谋s w谋ll be answered 谋n great deta谋l by your legal councel
Before I answer I have to say I have no direct experience in divorce. Keep in mind, its going to be rough for a little bit no matter what. The best thing you can do is to not fight with your soon to be ex. You have a son so you can't avoid him, but when you do speak with him keep it on the subject of your son and only on that topic and be polite. Also keep a record of every confrontation or anything negative he does, as detailed as possible (write down dates times, if its a phone call keep any record you can, if its a note or a message on a phone save it). Talk with a lawer, let them litagate the divorce, and let the court decied who gets what, and custody issues. Other than that keep all contact professional and polite.
i think alot wud have 2 do w/how old ur son is. if hes old enuf 2 understand then talk 2 ur son about it. dont fret the stuff like the truck and stuff cuz there is nuthing he can do about it. file on monday, ur gunna have 2 get a lawyer but let him do all the work and dont worry. theyll figure out child supprot and base it off the day u seperated not the day u filed so ull get back child support. plus theyll do all the figuring n who gets what, just tell ur lawyer what y want and theyll fght it out 4 u. they r not going 2 take ur son away unless ur sum crack addict who doesnt take care of ur kids which ur obviously not so itll b fine. they usually wont set up visitation where he gets him every other week especially while he lives outta town. the whole point is 2 keep the kid n a stable enviroment and shuttlng back n forth that much is not that stable. get a good lawyer and i dont think ull have 2 worry much good luck
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Does anyone have advice on doing a divorce mediation in Texas?
WHy have divorce meditation when all you need to know is you get half and he gets half of evertything you both own. Except teh kids, mostly they go with the Mother depends on the judge.Does anyone have advice on doing a divorce mediation in Texas?
Sure.
For sure use a mediating attorney --- same attorney for you both. As well, each of you ought to have downloaded divorce papers for your state from the internet, gotten them from an office supply place or at the county court house in the county in which you live. And as well, you and he ought to have sat down together to decide who gets what. If you each get an attorney, and get into what is called the adversarial stance, the $5000 you mentioned would be just one side, and just for starters!!!!! It is never in your best interest to go to court NEVER.
So,have a look at those papers, before you make your appointment with your mediating attorney, because the less time and effort he has to spend hammering out agreements between you, the less it will cost... usually somewhere between $75-300 depending upon state and county. Call around, look in the yellow pages under attorney -- divorce -- mediating.
You and he may decide to fill none of it out, that you agree privately on the split, and each trusts the other... (if you cana't trust him, then get the blanks filled out.)Does anyone have advice on doing a divorce mediation in Texas?
The link below should answer all of your questions.
http://www.divorcelawtexas.com/txpages/D鈥?/a>
The biggest thing in divorce mediation is to learn the fine art of compromising. Be willing to trade something you really dont want but they do in return for something you do want. Dont settle for everything but go for what you want. Go for all you want as in the end youll end up with majority of what you want.Dont appear too eager to trade,let the other party start first and see what they offer.Remember they too will be trying to get what they want so negoiate and compromise. Good luck
Sure.
For sure use a mediating attorney --- same attorney for you both. As well, each of you ought to have downloaded divorce papers for your state from the internet, gotten them from an office supply place or at the county court house in the county in which you live. And as well, you and he ought to have sat down together to decide who gets what. If you each get an attorney, and get into what is called the adversarial stance, the $5000 you mentioned would be just one side, and just for starters!!!!! It is never in your best interest to go to court NEVER.
So,have a look at those papers, before you make your appointment with your mediating attorney, because the less time and effort he has to spend hammering out agreements between you, the less it will cost... usually somewhere between $75-300 depending upon state and county. Call around, look in the yellow pages under attorney -- divorce -- mediating.
You and he may decide to fill none of it out, that you agree privately on the split, and each trusts the other... (if you cana't trust him, then get the blanks filled out.)Does anyone have advice on doing a divorce mediation in Texas?
The link below should answer all of your questions.
http://www.divorcelawtexas.com/txpages/D鈥?/a>
The biggest thing in divorce mediation is to learn the fine art of compromising. Be willing to trade something you really dont want but they do in return for something you do want. Dont settle for everything but go for what you want. Go for all you want as in the end youll end up with majority of what you want.Dont appear too eager to trade,let the other party start first and see what they offer.Remember they too will be trying to get what they want so negoiate and compromise. Good luck
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