Marriage or divorce advice, please... what would you do?

I'll try to make this short.. Married for about 4 1/2 years and I've fallen out of love with him long ago...





1. It's been 8 months since we've had sex, this time around (but he lets me swing, BUT makes me feel guilty about it, sometimes)


2. He's also lazy around the house with most things (but had been making some dinners since we had our baby, 4 months ago).


3. Doesn't back me up with the kids when I'm having a real tough time with them. (kids from my 1st marriage)


4.He is also not consistant with them and gives in easily to get them off his back.


5. Never spends quality time with my son. (mainly just criticizes him.)


6. Makes fun of my own views, sometimes.


7. Very messy around the house.


8. I've threatened many times for divorce and each time he got better, but then went back to his old ways.


9. Selfish. (ie- keeping the house at a comfy level for himself, while I'm extremely cold)


10. Treats me like I can't make my own decisions sometimes or speak for myself.Marriage or divorce advice, please... what would you do?
Okay.... What can help you both is to read the book that took me from gloomy to peachy. It's called ';The Feeling Good Handbook'; by Dr. David Burns. It's mainly to help folks with depression or anxiety, but it's soooooo much more than that. There's a section in there that helps with relationships of all kinds. It's all about listening, caring, and sharing. If you both master the thought processes and communicate your feelings, you should be able to resolve your differences through some kind of compromise and agreement. You make it sound like there's potential there. The book is only about $15.00 and is one of the best I've ever gotten. It literally saved my life from suicidal depression. If it can do that, then saving a marriage ought to be a piece of cake.Marriage or divorce advice, please... what would you do?
I don't believe in divorce but it almost sounds like you're in the process of divorcing him anyways....


Sounds like he's not really committed in helping you or your kids or into the marriage.


If it were me, I would try for counseling. If he doesn't cooperate, then I suppose I would walk out of the marriage after several chances. n
He's never going to change. People only change if they want to and your threat of ';D'; makes him think for a little bit, then he goes back to his ways. He prbably sees you as a security blanket and that you won't leave him, no matter what. HA!! You just need to do whatever you have to do to make you and all your kids happy. That's what matters!
doesn't seem to listen to you. When you talk, try to remember how many times he says ';I';?
I would go ahead and divorce him. You have already made it up in your mind that you want out of the relationship. Why are you tortureing yourself by staying in a loveless marriage. You can do better by yourself and you will be able to get the respect that you need from your kids. It might not seem like that big of deal now...but it will definitely make a difference later.
Try marriage counseling first. It sounds like you threaten him to get what you want, and that is not productive. A lot of your gripes are annoying, but they are petty.





Why be married if you swing? Marriage is based on love, trust and fidelity.





Neither of you are putting much effort into the marriage. He tunes you out because you play the same threat game over and over.
Sounds like most men in a marriage life...I would seek marriage counseling and if that doesn't work then at least you know you tried and get a divorce.
Sounds like the last guy I was with. Exactly like him, in fact.





When trying to talk with him about getting it together, he always managed to turn the conversation around on me and make me feel like I was the one who needed work.





From your list of complaints, I wouldn't say you are being selfish.





It's hard to get out of unhappy relationships. But you have admitted you're not happy. The best day of my life was when I made the decision to kick him out on the curb (quite literally, almost). It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, and I literally felt as though I was abandoning my child. But my life got 100% better!





He doesn't sound like much of a partner, a friend, or a father.





This is why there are so many crummy men in the world who treat women like they don't have a brain and take advantage of us. BECAUSE WE LET THEM.
Give him a chance. Guys need to be told what to do. Tell him your thoughts and communicate with him.
With a smile like yours, that's all needed for me to fix you dinner--for free--and I'll even do the dishes!!





For existant reasons BEFORE you met hubby--he's delved deep into a state of clinical depression. I'd feel sincerely sad for the guy--he needs treatable help. Most likely a combination of therapy, coupled with medication (the latter surely is an unplesant journey he must take for any recovery chances).





Swing? Why don't you live next door to me? Life is unfair!!!





OK...it wouldn't hurt you to seek some therapeutic counseling...maybe have your son tag along, too.





Divorce scares fathers because of the sting child support payments bear on finances. Sadly, this turns into ugly acts of financial revenge exacted by the ex-wives......and can be devastating to a clinically depressed hubby.





A resonance of measured understanding and compassion from you is greatly needed here---and you DO have control and power of this!!





It IS too bad we don't live next door: I can whiz buzz around a BBQ grill......tempt you to jump over the backyard fence.
OK, you would be happy if...he totally backed you up on all your views and decisions, let you say and do whatever you want, spend more time doing whatever you want him to do (including spending time with YOUR son), cleaned up after himself AND was consistant, right? AND, what CHANGES are YOU willing to make? It takes TWO to make things right, two to mess things up - you make it sound like he is all bad and you are an angel - not buying it sis - I hope you are not as controlling as you sound, but if you really do not love him anymore, stop whining about his faults, because it's your fault you are still with him.
Move on. Then if you want to swing you don't have to answer to anyone.
Looks like you've exhausted all avenues - speak to a lawyer, he's not going to change.
So its been 8 mos since you've had sex with him, but you'll go out and swing. You expect him to stay home providing daycare for YOUR kids on top of cleaning and cooking while you're out getting your kicks elsewhere. YES you're being selfish and he's being *passive aggressive.*





Put some energy into your relationship and appreciate everything he does.





If you just say out loud, ';He watches the kids while I go out swinging and the house wasnt clean when I got back from having sex with other people.'; You'll hopefully see how ridiculously selfish you're being.
Get to a marriage counselor as soon as possible.
SInce you had fallen out of love with him, let call it a day, be true to oneself, what is marriage without a love in between, dun waste your unhappy life there, life aint long, it actually quite short, so to speak.





Get over with it, and all your 10 pointers shown will be gone, free from all worry and unhappiness. Just do it, no use ponder over yes or no, it a definite yes, get a divorce out of it.





You are his wife, not his maid, without respect, he is worst than a stranger, it kind of like living in a house with a stranger that you know but yet dun know how to deal with it.





Take it from here, stay single, learn your lesson 1 and 2, until the next one come along, apply it with your experience. Sometime people are just ignorance, they wish to seat still and just see what is the outcome, but by then, time have past, you won't have much energy left. In life, change is inevitable.
Under no circumstances should you be sleeping with other people outside of this marriage.





If he's not acting like your husband, then just divorce him.
Hi just me!


Divorce is never the answer, unless he beats you.If he's submissive when it comes to threats, let him know that you both need family Counceling.You are not just being selfish, you are hurt and lacking in love and comfort.So, it's natural for you to feel the way you do.Don't be so hard on yourself, yet, be hard on yourself.What I mean by this is, don't give up on your Vows. If he doesn't think that you can make decisions, then make the decision for both of you to see a family Councelor.And tell him that if he doesn't want to lose you that he needs to comply.Follow through with this and don't give up.You need to stop Swinging! This is Adultery and can only hurt your relationship even more.You're in my prayers.And please seek the help that you need.Sincerely, in Jesus, Pastor B
FIRST TRY TO CONSOLE HIM WHAT HAPPEND TO HIM WHY IS HE LIKE THAT. AND ONE MORE THING DONT THREATEN HIM OF GIVING DIVORCE THAT RAISES COMPLICATIONS IN YOUR LIFE. TRY TO LOVE HIM AS MUCH YOU CAN TAKE SOME TIME. IF IT DOESN'T WORK YOU HAVE TO DECIDE YOUSELF ABOUT YOUR LIFE NOT THE WORLD ON THE WEB. OK HUN HOPE YOUR LIFE GETS GOOD AND THE WALL WHICH HAS BUILD FOR 8 MONTHS WILL FALL SOON AND YOU WILL LOVE UR LIFE AS YOU DID IN THE PAST.





BYE
Your husband is reacting negatively to some aspect of his life, along with a professional and as his partner, help him discover what that his. Before you married him, something convinced you that he was worthy of your love, affection, and trust -- reflect on those reasons. While you are at that, immediately begin researching information for counselors in your area. All relationships demand work and non is perfect. Anyone in a relationship for more than a month where no work is required please contact me...I would love to hear from you. Good luck!
I think that if you don't care enough to have sex with each only then it is time to give it up-the marriage-that is.
You need to see a counselor. If you can't afford one,see your local clergy. If you don't have a local clergyman,get one. If you have God in your lives, things go so much better. I know.
Oh boy ... If one of my friends came to me and said what you have written I would say .... divorce him. But I dont know either one of you so all I can say is do you want to be in the same situation 5 years from now? you are the only one who knows what is best for you.





Good luck
Just because he lets you swing does not mean that he likes it.


Maybe he would just rather be aware of it instead of being treated like a chump and your doing it behind his back.


Either way, it seems that he is resentful and that both of you lack respect for one another.


I think that it would benefit you to take a few steps back and look at everything without such a victim's mentality.


Maybe if you showed him some respect by being faithful to him the things that you are looking for in him will begin to manifest.


Please do not get me wrong and think that I am coming at you with a judgmental point of view because that is not where I am coming from.


I am strictly giving you an unbiased view from what you have written and I am trying to express what you may not be able to see from the inside.


What I suggested was nothing more than a what if and maybe this might result and nothing more.


Good luck!
Well you mention swinging and a 1st husband. You sound like a ';grass is always greener on the other side'; kind of person. Let's say you get a divorce from him - then what? On to the next guy and have a kid with him too? If you're going to repeat this terrible cycle then at least get your tubes tied so you don't bring any more kids into this mess.





You mention all that is wrong with him but how many husbands will you marry and divorce before you take a look at yourself and say, ';Maybe it's me?!?!';
This is something that you have to do on your own. I can let you know one thing he will never change I went through 20 years things blow up and gets better only to go back to the same old stuff. Life is too short to live unhappy.
honestly seems like you are being selfish, its not all about you its about both of you,that's why they call it marriage, you can probably start to get ya'lls act together if you decide to let each other know what you expected out of the marriage to begin with then realize the whole goal of it all is to please each other not yourselves
You ';swing';, not such a good example for your children...


Your marraige is lacking intimacy, which is extremely important...


He never makes a change for the long term...


Not so good with your children...


Doesn't treat you well...





I believe divorce is a last option, but c'mon, sounds like there is no happiness in this marriage at all. You can't stay married to a man just because he is kind. Good luck. I hope you find the right answer for yourself.





EDIT: IN RESPONSE TO ASKER'S COMMENT THAT CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW YOU SWING...EVENTUALLY THEY WILL. I DON'T OPPOSE YOU DOING WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF WHAT MARRIAGE SHOULD BE ONCE YOUR KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. IT'S BETTER YOU BE AN EXAMPLE OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE, AND IF YOU CAN'T BE, JUST BE THE EXAMPLE OF A HAPPY WOMAN.
divorce.
You just need an affair not a divorce. Divorce is messy and expensive. Affair is fun and exciting. Now where can we meet....